...Gah. I haven't updated my journal in a while, so I thought I should.


I don't really know what's on my mind anymore. I'm both angry, pissed, depressed, lonely, stressed, I miss someone... a lot of crap has happened that's way beyond my control, and a certain someone isn't making it any better. I really don't know what else to say other than that without revealing too much. :\


I'm pretty sure I flunked all of my classes this term. Typical. *Sigh*


And... I'm getting my eye surgery tomorrow. Joy. I'll be out of commission for a few days, most likely; I'll look like a raccoon for Christmas. Give me a call during those days, I'm going to have absolutely nothing to do.


Four days from now will be the 3 month anniversary of a certain something. Not sure whether to be thrilled/happy about it or angry.





...On a slightly more humorous/odd/happy note, my friend claims she can read aura's and "spirit animal's". Apparently, my aura is a clear color, meaning I'm mentally/emotionally confused. Fitting, I guess. My spirit animal? A chameleon. In other words, I apparently change my personality to adapt to different situations.

Dunno if that's all a hoax or not, but one can dream, right? It's no more a strange idea than the belief that we all have a soul. :/ Could be true.



Anyhow, five more days until Christmas... and I can honestly say I'm not looking forward to it much. -_-;; Since I'm getting my surgery tomorrow, come Christmas, I'm going to probably have the most hideous black eye in the world, along with a bunch of scarring/scabbing/pussing. Probably.
"Oh, hey Austin, merry--wtf happened to your eyes?"

Yeah. Way to schedule my surgery a few days before Christmas, parents. Appreciate it. :/

Augh. >.<


Note me if you want details. If not, I'm not explaining.

...

I feel like I want to throw up, I'm so stressed. And this time, there's really no way to escape the situation I'm in. Only time will tell...



...I sorely need a hug. Maybe even someone to talk to, if I can. Anything to ease things.


I mean, it's to the point that I've lost my appetite. I had a light breakfast this morning - half a bowl of cereal - and yesterday, I ate a VERY light dinner. The day before? Nothing. Didn't eat lunch today, either; I owed a friend five dollars. I've been practically thriving off of... I don't know WHAT I've been living off of. Eggnog? Water? I dunno. Last thing I drank today was a small glass of water, right before school.


All of my past problems seem utterly miniscule to what's going on now. I'd... rather not talk about it; only one other person knows about it. Still, it's worrying me... my friend could be in big-time trouble. I could be in big-time trouble.

Kinda wanted to get that off of my front page... I was extremely pissed and stressed off, and had a depression attack.

I'm feeling a bit better now... school was depressing, though. The friends I've made... we don't have much in common, and they tend to forget I exist. For example, at anime club today, I didn't really do much of anything besides play a few rounds of Mario Kart 64. Other than that, every time I tried to strike up a conversation, I failed miserably.


...*Sigh*
I miss my Central friends. Courtney, Philip, Levi, Brittany, Sarah...



Anyway, I've been having a weird idea/emotion floating around in my mind lately. I need to be in a relationship that ISN'T centered around emotional support. I mean, me and Ellen... we never really had fun. It was all romance, all emotional stuff, nearly never any play. Same with Tabitha. Sure, I know a relationship can't rely solely on just fun... but my previous ones seemed to be sorely lacking.

I don't know. I have feelings for a few people, but... I don't know if I should pursue them. Doubt I'd get anywhere...


Just had to get that off my front page. Sorry about that.

Happy mood is going away. Enjoy me while I last. :\ Gettin' all depressed again... memories of past events, stress with the next week or so (ugh, surgery/early finals/failing 3 or 4 classes), missing someone (NOT Ellen or Tabitha, believe it or not), my eczema on my face is coming back, my mind is stuck on something...

...And I drank too much eggnog. I feel like crap.


I need something to keep me occupied.



EDIT: Gonna spill my mind even more.


Yeah, I do miss her. You know who. I really do. Not talking to her every day is hard, you know?... like a part of me is missing. Like my day isn't complete. I mean, I'm glad we're at least on good terms, unlike between me and Tabitha, but still...
To make matters worse, ... ...no, I shouldn't say. Levi would kill me, and Ellen would devour me. And then Cassy, her best friend.

I'm... really, really starting to feel like crap right now. I'm incredibly jealous, incredibly lonely, extremely stressed, and I just need someone to cuddle with. -_-;;

*Sigh*
I miss having a girlfriend. It was a stroke of luck that me and Tabitha went out; and Ellen even admitted to using me as a rebound boyfriend. Mix that with my eczema, my personality, everything... what are the chances of ever finding anyone else? I want to feel loved... not just as a friend, but as something more, you know?
I don't know. I'm acting pretty pathetic right now, really. My parents don't even want me to get a girlfriend. I'm a junior in high school... and I've only had two girlfriends, each for only a month.


This is so fucking pathetic. Ellen, if you're reading this, this is where you should probably stop, because I'm going to unleash all of my pent-up emotions.







I miss her. I miss Tabitha. I miss having a girlfriend, period. Cassie Dill and Levi Landon, fuck buddies? Pisses me off even more. Maybe I'm being hypocritical. I don't care.
My parents fucked everything up when they decided me and Ellen shouldn't date anymore. You know, maybe she WASN'T good for me; maybe she WAS a "piece of disgusting trash" like you say she was. But just taking her away like that, and so suddenly!? That's worse than the breakup between me and Tabitha, and I'll never, ever forgive you for that.

You could have at least been subtle with it all. Make me see her less and less, until eventually, I couldn't see her at all. But, no, it had to be your way. Maybe THAT'S why I'm so hung up over her! Maybe THAT'S why it's hard to just stop talking to her, or even about her! Maybe that's why I'm so depressed... sure, I'll be honest: she wasn't the best person. She had a LOT of faults. But you could have at least been gentle with taking her away, you know!?

My GOD, and you wonder why I won't stop thinking and talking about her! It's not because I'm "bad at relationships" or I'm "not ready". It's because of you, and everything you've done to fuck up my life!
And then you make things worse by mentioning her again and again; saying how fucked up she was and how much of a bad influence she was. And then I have to go see my psychologist and bring up that shit again... and again... and again...


I feel physically sick due to all of this stress. I wish things were just hunky-dory, I'd have SOMEONE special in my life, someone to make me feel loved... wish I had better grades, wish I didn't have such a fucked up psyche, wish I didn't have all of these "learning disorders" and other depression-related shit. I wish I was happy, for once, I wish I didn't have a screwed-up personality, I wish I didn't hate myself...

I miss Ellen. I miss Tabitha. Why am I having such a hard time coping and getting over them? Because of some other "mental disorder" I have. Pervasive Developmental Disorder, anyone? I'm so mentally fucked up I can't even cope. Oh, and pile on Nonverbal Learning Disorder, slight ADD, and Major Depressive Disorder, along with ordinary depression, and you've got one fucked up human being.
You know Nonverbal Learning Disorder? Hey, it's on the autism spectrum. So, pretty much, I should be classified as mentally retarded. Pretty embarrassing, right?




No fucking wonder I'm such an emotional fuck-up. No wonder I can't keep a girlfriend for more than a month. No wonder people are giving up on me left and right. No wonder none of my friends ask to hang out with me, no wonder I can't make any friends, no wonder I have such low self-esteem... no wonder...

I didn't ask for all of these problems... I didn't ask to live. Oh, and my parents are pestering me, wondering why I'm being so "rude" and "ungrateful". And stop... fucking... asking... questions. "Did someone say something to you that made you depressed?" No, now shut up. You guys and my emotional well-being are the root of the problem.


My fantasy setting? Get good grades, no drama, someone to love... someone who loves me back.

Stop the ride; I want to get off.